What's your word?

A transparent glimpse into my own journey

Okay so look, yes, the concept of time is completely fabricated and the Gregorian calendar is very much a part of that social construct. But, and, also, I am a big fan of putting bumpers on intentions. So while I don’t do a “resolution” per say, I do like to pick a word that encompasses the version of myself I am going to work towards for the next “year”.

Let me back this up for context. Part of my personal life ethos is the belief that the beauty of life and our humanity is our ability to constantly choose to evolve, grow, shift, learn etc. Choosing not to, which is totally someone’s choice to make, in my belief, is a choice to abandon the gift of our humanity and the thrill of living.

That being said, I never felt like a New Year’s Resolution was for me. It felt restrictive, like I was forced to pick an end game instead of choosing a path and an experience. I abandoned the entire idea and I’ve never looked back. Instead, I take a look back on my year, and maybe even a few before, and assess my growth points or where I simply want to make shifts.

Coming into 2024, I really didn’t have a word, I had no clarity, no matter how much I sat and journaled and reflected. Then in the first few days of the year, after a few conversations with my chosen fam, I found myself feeling really clear about one feeling: resentment.

Yeah, read it back, resentment! It would be easy for me to sit here and blame everyone and everything else for why I was feeling like that towards specific people, or situations etc. BUT, one of the questions I always ask myself in every situation is “where does my responsibility reside?”. That responsibility might be to others or to myself and in this situation it was to myself. I began to ask myself "did I participate in the creation of this resentment and if so, how?”.

Let’s pause and make sure we are clear: sometimes the answer is “you had no part in this particular thing, this was a result of other people’s choices and their impact on you”. Sometimes, you just get the short end of the stick, as they say, because people haven’t done their own work, make thoughtless decisions etc etc.

Bbbbbbbbbbuuuuuttt sometimes we have to accept that we had a role in what we are experiencing through our decision making.

In this particular situation, I had to accept that I did, in fact, have a role to play in my own resentment. As I sat in communal reflection, talking to my nearest and dearest, I found myself saying “the world doesn’t deserve me…..but I keep letting them have the best parts of me anyways”.

Ruh Roh…..👀🥴

Beginning to unpack that, I came to the conclusion that I have consistently over extended myself to family, friends, people, organizations, communities and peers in the spirit of liberation, grace, communal care and support. I knew that there was an imbalance, that we weren’t exactly in right reciprocal relationships, and yet, I continued to pour into others because it was the right, caring, thoughtful, helpful, gracious, understanding, liberatory (insert whatever other word feels right to you) thing to do.

Then it all caught up to me and I had to wonder, “the (insert word) thing to do…for whom?”. I had to grapple with two questions: (1) Should my deep and unwavering commitment to living and practicing liberation mean that I continue to extend that commitment and practice to those who simply don’t “deserve” the best parts of me? (Um. No!) (2) Is my goal to live in liberation in every aspect of life actually resulting in a reproduction of so many of the things that I teach y’all to free yourself from? (Le sigh….yea) .

The answer feels sticky and I’m not even yet sure that it’s right for me long term, but it does feel right, right now. I have to find a balance between the version of myself that shows up because of the hope I hold for people to “catch up” in their liberatory practice and the reality that people are overwhelmingly not there yet and thus don’t “deserve” that version of me.

And so in that clarity my word was born: conserve.

For 2024 I am working on conserving the best parts of me for myself and those that “deserve me”. Those parts that feel like home for so many have to be solely reserved for those that have shown up and shown out in matching the energy, authenticity, honesty, love, caring, thoughtfulness etc etc that I bring to them.

I am conserving those “best” parts of me for those that show up genuinely in reciprocity, for those that text/call me first just to check on my spirit (if you are wondering if I stopped texting/calling people first for a period of time to see how people moved….the answer is…I’m still a Scorpio no matter how evolved I am ☺️😉) - for those that reach out just because, not because they always need/want to extract something from me - for those who mirror and practice co-creation and consent - for those who feel just as cozy and warm, that also feel like home. And most importantly, for myself!

I didn’t put anyone on notice. I didn’t make some grand announcement, for what? I believe people know how they treat you, and if they don’t, they ask. I’m also not allowing this to mean a hardening of my heart. I am still committed to remaining soft, gentle and open. Conserve is not about coldness, it’s about downgrading access and energy.

Conserve feels edgy but it also feels accurate. I’m very excited for the space it will inevitably create in my life and as I’ve always said, I know that when things fall apart it’s to make space for the right things to fall into their place.

If you’re feeling it, I would be honored to have you comment with your word (or however you mark the transition between end and beginning of the year) for 2024, how you got there and what it means for you!

Yours in conserved liberation,

Weeze

P.S. I made this decision and then I saw this video on IG (there’s music and it’s explicit, in case you got extra ears around). I posted it to my close friends with the edit “How I came into 2023 vs how I’m coming into 2024”. Sure it’s a lil aggro but it felt like the universe affirming that decision.

P.P.S - Join me in Revolutionary Self-Care starting in Feb so you can resent a little less and love a little more (on yourself and everyone else)!! Check it out!